At first glance, many people think I have the “perfect life.” Things have always been that way for me. However, to reference a common cliche, things are rarely as they appear. I am a very complex women inside and out. My life is great, but I ride emotional roller coasters daily.
I do have a great life, so please, at any time during any of my posts, do not think for one second that I am dissing my life. But, I do have struggles and inner demons that many people around me either fail to recognize or merely regard as my problem.
I am a happily married mother to two very intellectual and talented little girls. God has blessed me many times over with these girls. I always say: they are the best gifts God could have given me. I count them as my most successful accomplishments. And, when my anxiety and depression really have me low, they bring me back to life and reality. I have a full-time job, but to tell the truth, I have somewhat lost my passion for it. I know I should be thankful for the fact that I have a job, AND I AM. However, I would love to be like one of those people who say, “I love going to work every day.” I just cannot say that. In fact, most mornings are filled with dread. It’s not even the actual job that brings me down usually; it’s the petty junk that goes along with it.
People think that once they graduate from high school, other people grow, mature, and no longer act petty. However, that is not the case. So, for me, much of my work distress focuses on this as well as what I deem to be issues in leadership.
I have a strange family dynamic. As a child, I was always expected to be perfect. But, when you bring that up to my parents now, my mother goes on the defense, and my dad laughs it off. I have a younger brother who, for a very long time I tried to become close to; however, he is so emotionally disconnected that I have given up hope. My mother has five siblings, but none of them get along; one could not even show up to my grandmother’s recent funeral. My father’s side isn’t much better. He has one real sister, two half-sisters, and a half brother. None of them are close either. My husband has one brother who is decent. His mother is my issue, but I’m sure many wives feel that way.
In terms of friends, I don’t have many. It’s not for a lack of trying on my part, but I just do not connect well with women. I always end up being hurt by women I give my trust and friendship to, so I would rather have acquaintances. I am a very bubbly and outgoing person; I have fun when I go places. But, I usually don’t like to be around others too much. I feel and know because I have been told that others judge me rather harshly. The reason–I don’t know. I do have a shoe addiction and desire to dress up no matter where I go. I never leave the house without perfect hair and make-up. That’s probably a self-esteem issue, but I’ve been told that’s why other women don’t like me. I guess they think I think I’m perfect. I DON’T. I just like to be stylish–is there anything wrong with that? People collect many items, so what if my collection is a closet full of shoes? I won’t apologize to anyone for being myself or for saying what I feel.
I think that is another of my issues. If you tick me off, you know it. I just cannot keep my mouth shut, no matter where I am or to whom I am speaking. One huge issue I have is my overprotective nature concerning my daughters and my husband. if I am in ear shot of someone bad mouthing either my spouse or my children, I will unleash my fury. So, for many reasons, I choose to lead a private life and stay to myself mainly. If people cannot accept me for who I am, then I guess I really do not need them in my life.
I love the Lord Jesus Christ, and when I feel low or am bothered by the negative people around me, I turn to him in prayer. I’m not perfect; no human is. God accepts me for who I am, so do the members of my immediate family. If that’s all I have, I can be happy.
I know I seem to have spewed quite a bit. But, I intend to use this blog daily just to share everyday life and see if I can connect to others out there who feel like I do sometimes. So, having a bit of an understanding of who I am will help to understand my future posts. I would love to hear from others and am excited about starting this journey. For now, I must go; the latest installment of the 39 Clues is calling my name. If I do not finish it, my oldest daughter will give away all of the secrets! She and I have started a book reading club together. She, of course, reads the books first. I pay for them; she reads them first; and then accidentally lets secrets slide.
So, until next time, try to enjoy the moments of your life. Try not to allow others to spoil your joy. Trust me–easier said than done!!!!